Friday, October 31, 2008

Dr. Slantedstein's Monster

We are unfashioned creatures, but half made up.”
-Mary Shelley

Happy Halloween my dear readers. In my Timberwolves predictions, I suggested the fantasy of melding Rashad McCants with Corey Brewer to come up with Corey McCants—the ace super-small forward who could both score like Johnny Depp and defend like Johnny Cochran.

So, being that it is Halloween, I thought it would be fun to go through each team and find two players that apart, find themselves very much useful but ultimately flawed.

However, if somehow, whether through magic, sorcery and/or mad science, they were to be combined together, they could rise up and become a terrifying, unstoppable, basketball monster.

It's Alive!!!!

Golden State Warriors: Andris Turiaf
First and foremost, that name just sounds wickedly tough and brutal. Like some sort of Soviet Super Soldier in the Dolph Lundgren in Rocky IV type way. Andris Turiaf would have an incredible feel for rebounding and finding himself around the basket for easy buckets, but would also have a nice 15 to 17 foot jump shot, and the wherewithal and tenacity to block shots and make solid passes. He’d be a super-duper awesome energy man and would win the best hair award with a slick flattop and crazy goatee. Think, 15 ppg, 13 rpg, 2.5 bpg, 2.5 apg, while shooting 60 percent from the field and 75 percent from the line. Scary.

Los Angeles Clippers: Ricky Mobley
I was thinking about doing Al Davis, but since that name’s got a scary enough dude attached to it, I went with the more fan friendly Ricky Mobley. I can just see him sitting back thinking, “Well, I’m the best there is. Plain and simple, when I wake up in the morning I piss excellence.” And Ricky Mobley would. He would have range and a be a great passer. He’d also have Cat’s post-up game, but Buckets’ shooting prowess. He’d be able to spark any offense, while also playing lockdown D. Basically, you’d give him Cat’s brain and veteran savvy with Ricky’s skills and athleticism. Nice. Think 22 ppg, 6 apg, 6 rpg, 2 spg, shooting 45 percent and 85 percent from the line. He’d also be able to get a triple double without cheesing it.

Dallas Mavericks: Dirk Diop
Double D would, simply put, make a boob out of anyone foolish enough trying to handle him. He’d have the shooting touch of the greatest bigman shooter of all time, the ability to snag a gang of boards and even have the wherewithal to dish out some dimes. Add to that his innate ability to give defensive support like a Wonder bra, holding up sagging defenses while rejecting shots like Berkeley rejects applicants. There would be no holes in his game. The ultimate baller. Think 29 ppg, 10 rpg, 3 apg, 3 bpg and a 49 percent field goal percentage and a 38 percent 3-point percentage. He’d make you gawk at his offense, while his D would stop you dead.

Los Angeles Lakers: Vladimir Odom
While the Lakers don’t need any additional help, because they look damn scary enough, imagine Vladom and tell me that THAT guy wouldn’t scare the beejesus outta you and even win a couple of MVPs over Kobe. Vladom would be 6-10, have the skills to reign threes from anywhere, handle the ball and pass like a point guard, be an ace rebounder and play solid to excellent defense. Plus, you know he would never hesitate to take an open shot. He’d average 25 ppg, 10 rpg, 6 apg, 1.5 bpg, 1.5 spg and throw in 2.5 3s per game while shooting 40 percent from downtown and 50 percent overall. He’d win you fantasy every year. But fans of the real game be forewarned—Vladom would also disappear for long stretches and/or make incredibly stupid plays at incredibly crucial moments.

Phoenix Suns: Amare Amundson
Gotta love that name. Plus, you add the specs to that pony tail? Forget it. Gotta love Double A. He would be a terrifying behemoth on offense with bone-crushing and neck-breaking dunks mixed with a pretty stroke out to 17 feet—just a beast of unstoppable offensiveness. AA would also be a mad, freakish board crasher who’d relentlessly hit the backboards while rejecting shots like a Christian with an extreme case of angioedema witnessing at a UCSB frat party. He’d average 29 ppg, 12 rpg, 2 apg, 3.5 bpg while shooting 58 percent. He’d be explosive and a tidal wave of pure energy and his nickname would be the Battery Ram and he would be awfully awesome.

Memphis Grizzlies: Mike Lowry
This dude would be a crazy combo of refined skill and sheer energy. Pitbull-like strength, toughness and tenacity with the penchant for creating chaos, while also being a pinpoint precision passer, who knows how to run an offense. Still can’t shoot all that well, but he’d be an elite defender and playmaker. Not much else you can ask from your point guard. That three will come with practice. He’d only be 21.5 years-old. So there’s plenty of room for growth. Think 16 ppg, 10 apg, 5.5 rpg, 2.8 spg, 1.5 bpg. Better yet, he’s a bad, bad boy.

Houston Rockets: Rafer Barry
Just what the doctor ordered, a lockdown defender at the one, who can skip-to-his-lou, create offense for others with superb passing AND shoot the rock lights out. I mean, put the intangibles of Alston, with the true shooting percentage and passing abilities of the youngest Barry bro and, well, that's a monster worth every bolt. Nuff said. Think 16 ppg, 8 apg, 1.5 spg, 48 percent from beyond the arc and 13.5 lpg (laughers per game).

Utah Jazz: Ronnie Korver
This one’s easy, but deadly effective. Ronnie K would make the Jazz the best team in the league. A lockdown defender, who could pick anyone’s pocket faster than the Artful Dodger, Ronnie Korver, with his elite athleticism, could also finish any fastbreak. The danger with him, however, is that he could drop threes from all over. In fact, with his dunking ability and exceptional skills dropping numbers on your head, his nickname would be the Rain Man. He’s a sure bet for 19 ppg, 7 rpg, 3 spg, and a 53 percent field goal percentage with 43 from downtown. This is definitely not one to mess with. Definitely not.

Oklahoma City Thunder: Joe Collicox
The Thunder are so bad, that the mad scientist in me had to go sniffing for body parts from not two, but three players in my quest to create the perfect power forward. The result, however, is beautiful. Joe Collicox would be a monster around the basket, using his athleticism to dunk and score at will. If the opposing teams decide to clog the paint with a zone, Collicox could take that game out to the 15-17 foot range to score from time to time there as well. He’d be a solid, wily post defender and gobble up boards like NFL fans tear into turkey on Thanksgiving. Energy, veteran smarts, and athleticism. Think 21 ppg, 12 rpg, 1 bpg, with 57 percent shooting. He’s a stud forward, with a stud pornstar name.

Yeah, there's some teams missing. But some of the monsters just weren't that fun and some of the teams, well, just didn't have players that made any sense. Others were stretches, but I’ll throw out the names and see if you can guess the teams and players. Francisco Salmons, Fabricio Bonner, Hakim Walker, Al Collins, Peja Wright and Kenyon Hilario.

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